Sunday, May 29, 2016

The Best Relationship Advice I Ever Received

Sheiresa Ngo



  • April 25, 2016

Man with guitar snuggling with woman on the beach.
Couple on the beach | Source: iStock
Relationships are hard. They take a lot of dedication, focus, and work. Finding the right personto settle down with can often feel like a very frustrating game of chance. And even when you do find the right one, you’ll still have your work cut out for you as you make an effort to maintain your relationship.
If you’re looking for a little guidance when it comes to love, you’ve come to the right place. The Cheat Sheet spoke with eight top relationship experts to get some of their best advice. So pull up a chair and read on for more.

1. Take it easy

The best relationship advice I’ve ever gotten, and that I give, is “easy does it.” Too often we get caught up in fear-based needs to control our partner. This pull becomes a destructive compulsion that corrodes the integrity of the relationship. It replaces respect and compassion with anger and resentment. It destroys the quality of our lives and over time, the relationship.
This advice impacted the way I approach romantic relationships in that I allowed for a lot more space, which in turn allowed for less reactivity, more peace, happiness, and respect.  The classic struggle of all relationships is finding the right calculus in the togetherness-and-autonomy equation. Typically, when a relationship is under stress, one of the partners asks for physical space to break the tension. This is suboptimal. The best way to incorporate space is by being proactive and providing emotional rather than physical space. To do this, partners need to allow each other the space to be themselves and to have their experiences without trying to control the outcome or think that you are responsible for their lives and reaction. It’s hard work and takes practice, but the rewards are well worth the effort.

 2. Give 90%

Gail Saltz
Gail Saltz | Source: Dr. Gail Saltz
My parents advised what they did in their own marriage: “both of you always think about giving 90% to your partner and you both will be very happy.”  They meant it’s so important to think about how your partner is feeling, to stand in their shoes, to be giving and compromising, and emotionally generous. That 10% is for the understanding that sometimes it’s also OK to be a bit selfish, to place your needs first, or stand firm on something. They also made clear that this only works if you are both giving 90%.
I just celebrated my 26th wedding anniversary. I definitely think about my spouse’s needs and feelings the majority of the time and try to be compromising. In return I feel he is 90% thinking of me and how to consider my feelings and be supportive and loving. Sometimes this means giving something up, but actually most times this means we both get what we want and we both feel very loved, supported, and that we are in each other’s corner. I don’t feel afraid to be giving, because he really has my best interests at heart. We are a terrific team and often we agree on what we want. And when we don’t, we tend to take turns supporting the other’s wants.

3. You are responsible for your own happiness

Man and woman on the beach.
Couple lying on the sand | Source: Thinkstock
It’s not my partner’s job to make me happy. It’s my job to make me happy. Of course it’s easy to feel good when my partner is acting in a way that I want —but needing them to be a certain way in order for me to feel good —that’s bondage. Thinking that they’re always going to be in a good mood and directing their affectionate attention towards me — while that may be possible during the initial stage of a relationship, is impossible to sustain long-term. I’m responsible for my happiness. My partner is responsible for her happiness. We deliberately focus on things to feel good in our lives and for things to appreciate in one another.
If you’re looking for someone to complete you —or vice versa—you’re looking in the wrong direction for the lasting happiness, wholeness, and fulfillment that you truly seek. Wouldn’t it be better if you could find a way to feel how you want to feel regardless of what you’re partner is saying or doing?
This advice transformed every relationship in my life – not just the romantic ones.  Before I knew these things, I was unintentionally holding my partner responsible for my happiness. When I learned that I’m responsible for my own happiness and when I learned how to consistently align with it, my entire world transformed.  I now have the freedom to choose if and when I spend time with someone else, and I deliberately choose to spend time with others who get this, too.  My relationships are more meaningful, more loving, more free, and most importantly – more fun!  And my overall happiness continues to grow, too, regardless of whether I’m in a relationship or not.

4. Stop waiting and live your life

Lisa Steadman
Lisa Steadman | Source: Lisa Steadman
When I was single and stressed about finding love, my good friend, Scott, a confirmed bachelor, told me this. He said, “Lisa, you need to calm down, chill out, and stop expecting love to be here already. Your sense of entitlement is killing your ability to attract a good man.” When I realized he was right, I stopped waking up every day feeling angry that love hadn’t found me yet. I stopped being resentful that my friends were married and having lives that felt out of reach to me. I stopped feeling like my life was on hold. As cliché as it sounds, I stopped waiting and started living. Overnight, my outlook changed. My results changed, too. I started meeting men wherever I went. I went on dates, had fun, didn’t give my heart away foolishly, and met my husband. I knew he was The One when he told me, “I’ve always been too nice for the naughty girls and too naughty for the nice ones.” That had been my experience with men.
My advice for singles who are struggling in their search is to look within and ask themselves what part of their own life still needs work. When you clean up your side of the street, you make room for a perfectly imperfect person to see you, celebrate you, and love you. And remember that Mr. Right [or Ms. Right] will not be perfect, but will be perfect for you, just as you’ll be perfectly imperfect for him [or her].

5. Love yourself

Man and woman cuddling in bed.
Couple in bed | Source: iStock
You can’t love anyone more than your willingness to love yourself. Through this advice I learned about the importance of caring for my mind, body, and spirit. I liken love to the oxygen mask on a plane. You have to apply it to yourself before applying it to the person next to you. This advice improved my chances of winning my wife’s hand in marriage. She was searching for true love. She wanted someone to spend the rest of her life with. Conveying to her that I loved myself signaled that I could be a pillar of strength and compassion.

6. Don’t put boundaries on others
Couple on the couch.
Smiling couple | Source: Thinkstock
You can’t put boundaries on someone else—only yourself. If someone is treating you badly, you can’t change their behavior. But you can ask yourself why you accept it and how you can put a boundary on yourself so that you won’t accept it again. It made me take more responsibility for my role in bad relationships. Instead of feeling like a victim of circumstance, I was empowered to reject bad treatment and choose a different person. Also, [remember that] life is a self-fulfilling prophesy. If you believe you are undeserving of happiness, love and prosperity, that’s what the universe will give you.

 7. Sometimes love is where you’d least expect it

Hunt Ethridge
Hunt Ethridge | : Martha Swann
The hottest, most fun, sexiest, interesting, growth-stimulating, spontaneous, most romantic, most eye-opening relationships or experiences all were not with people that I thought I would end up with. Just because a relationship has a shelf life doesn’t mean you shouldn’t enter into it. This advice allowed me to enjoy each interaction for what it was and not try to make it something it wasn’t. And at the end of the day, our life is just a conglomeration of memories and I have many happy memories to think on. This gives me the freedom to experience all life has to offer!
Other good advice: “Always be unexpected.” This doesn’t have to be in grand gestures, but predictability in a relationship = boring = death of romance. Worst Advice? “Don’t worry, it’ll happen.” If I wanted to learn French, if someone told me “Don’t worry, it’ll happen,” how stupid does that sound?! Dating is a skill set like every other and you get out of it what you put into it.

8. Put in some effort

Man and woman smiling.
Happy couple | Source: Thinkstock
First, you simply must put time and energy into dating. A combination of online dating and socializing (perhaps including speed dating or singles mixers) is ideal. And second, you must go about dating the right way—from a positive attitude and an effective online dating profile to behavior on dates and communication with potential partners. If your approach to finding love is waiting for it to just come along, you’re taking a huge risk and will probably be single for a long time.
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Friday, May 27, 2016

Five Basic Survival Needs of Human Beings

Five Basic Survival Needs of Human Beings

written by: KennethSleight•edited by: Jason C. Chavis•updated: 10/8/2014
What do human beings need to physically survive? This list presents the five very basic physical items that people need to survive on this Earth. This list presents only the basic human needs to survive; people may need other items to grow, adapt and thrive.
  • Interest in basic human survival has surged since the productions of television shows like Man vs. Wild andSurvivor Man. Even though they don’t explicitly mention these five basic needs, Bear Grylls and Les Stroud spend each episode of their respective shows giving tips that expound on these to everyday people who may run into a survival situation while they brave the outdoors.
    In order to best prepare yourself for the unpredictable, it is important to have a certain amount of knowledge regarding these factors. Each of these items represents fundamentals that have kept humans alive from the dawn of time to today. While each of these has changed and been adapted over the millions of years humans thrived, the principles remain the same.
    List of basic human survival needs:
    1. Oxygen
    2. Water
    3. Food
    4. Shelter
    5. Sleep

  • 1. Oxygen

    431 2969938Oxygen is possibly our most basic human need. People can begin to experience brain damage after as few as five minutes without oxygen. There are several things that may prevent you from getting the oxygen you need. Environmental risks such as high amounts of smoke, high altitudes or carbon monoxide can prevent you from breathing in oxygen. Some medical issues may prevent your body from receiving oxygen like cardiac arrest, stroke, drowning and others.
    Without a consistent supply of oxygen, you can experience a condition called cerebral hypoxia which affects our brains. After 15 minutes without oxygen, the brain damage can be so severe that most people will not recover.

  • 2. Water

    Water
    Other than the air we breathe, water is the most essential component for human survival. It is estimated that a person cannot survive for more than 3-4 days without water.
    In hot weather it is recommended that the average person needs to consume two quarts of water a day to replace the amount lost due to sweating, respiration and excretion to maintain a balance of body fluids. In moderate climates you may be able to get by on less. Some foods can also provide you with water, though you should avoid food and drink that could dehydrate you.
    When the hydration balance is unable to be maintained the body will start to go through the dehydration process. A 2.5 percent loss in water volume in a person leads to a 25 percent reduction in blood volume. This means the blood gets thicker and the heart has to work harder to pump nutrients throughout the body. This lower blood volume also reduces flow to the extremities, leading to numbness in the fingers and toes. The thicker blood also has a harder time making its way through the small capillaries in the brain. The lack of oxygen to parts of the brain can make it impossible to concentrate or focus for any period of time.
    The length of time one can survive without water depends on activity level and environmental temperature. Higher activity will invariably reduce life span, as will higher temperatures. With no water, the maximum length of time a person can survive is 10 days. Starting at 80 degrees Fahrenheit life expectancy is reduced to 9 days. With every five-degree increase in temperature, the life span decreases a day.

  • 3. Food

    Nuts and RasinsIf you have a good water supply the next essential need is that of sustenance. A body that does not have food can survive for quite a long time by subsisting on the fat reserves in the body and, eventually, the glycogen reserves in the liver and the proteins in the muscles.
    The first two to three days without food, the body will depend solely on the fat reserves to run the muscles of the body. Unfortunately, these fatty acids can’t cross the blood-brain barrier. The brain relies on the glycogen reserves to send glucose to the brain.
    After day three, the liver begins to synthesize ketones (short strand fatty acids) that can cross the blood-brain barrier. The ketone stage can last for up to two weeks. Once the fat reserves are used up, the body will begin breaking down the musculature into proteins that can be converted into amino acids that are then transformed into glucose. Muscles break down quickly, within one week. Once this process has completed there is no other internal source of energy and the body dies.
    Most individuals who experience starvation don’t die directly from it. Most die due to infectious diseases that attack the body as it eats its own defenses. Signs of starvation include apathy, listlessness, withdrawal, changes in hair color, flaky skin, and massive edema in the abdomen and lower limbs, all of which lead to a higher chance of infection.

  • 4. Protection from the Elements

    ShelterA shelter that helps to keep your body at a constant temperature is also a necessity. This could also include appropriate clothing. When a person is exposed to the elements, water loss is increased. Cold temperatures and high winds can strip away valuable moisture as quickly as high temperatures can cause sweat related loss. A shelter should consist of a place to make fire to create heat as well as protection from the wind and rain.
    Without the ability to keep a constant temperature, a person runs the risk of hypothermia or heat stroke. A person’s normal temperature in 98.7 degrees Fahrenheit. If the core temperature drops to 91.4, a body will go unconscious. At 86.0 degrees, the body loses the ability to control internal temperature. At 82.4 degrees, there is complete muscle failure.
    On the other end of the spectrum, a temperature of 107.6 degrees results in a breakdown of the central nervous system. At slightly over 111 degrees, the brain overheats and causes death.
    Extreme temperature fluctuations can cause hallucinations and illogical behavior, which can cause a person to fail to take the proper steps to keep himself alive.

  • 5. Sleep

    Sleep DeprivationFor a long time sleep was not considered a basic human need. Studies on sleep deprivation helped to change this in the 20th century. In terms of human need, sleep is one of the five most important elements. Sleep deprivation can cause a myriad of problems ranging from decreased body temperature to cognitive impairment and hallucination.
    Although the mechanisms of sleep are not well understood, the problems associated with lack of sleep are. Headaches can begin as soon as 24 hours after missing sleep. 72 hours in, memory is impaired and temporal and spatial distortion start to occur. After 96 hours without sleep, cognition is markedly impaired. After 144 hours, hallucinations ensue and there is a considerable loss of attention and manual dexterity.
    The longer a person goes without sleep the less coherent thought patterns become. This lack of clear thinking can be detrimental on its own, if coupled with a lacking in any of the other basic needs areas it could be life threatening.
    There are other things you could add to this list like sex, emotional connection, sense of belonging, etc. The difference is that although sex is needed for the species to survive an individual can live without it. Emotional connection and a sense of belonging are group needs, not individual survival needs. The truth is, there are only five basic needs; Clean Air, Water, Nutrients, Shelter and Sleep.
    Beyond our health, the simple fact is that our entire society is based primarily on the existence and leveraging of these five factors. They are the basis for concepts like family, wealth, health and, at times, governments. Without air, water, food, sleep or shelter, none of us would see it past our first few days on Earth.

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